Reply to Sender
by Trompet
Summary: A tale told entirely in texts, notes, and emails detailing high school romance between very abnormal participants.  Features matchmaking, smartasses, sexy leather jackets, and Pirate lingo.  Also buckets of sexual tension. Johnlock, Mystrade, Moriartyx?
1. Gay Pirates

My first Sherlock chapter fic, all of which is dedicated to my darling daughter-figure, Yesenia. She's an absolute darling and encouraged me to write this. She also indulges all the Slash I should probably not be doing over my schoolwork, so you have her to blame for these shenanigans. This story should have Johnlock, Mystrade, and probably Moriarty with someone. If you have a preference as to who with, vote on my profile. Enjoy, and remember I do NOT own Sherlock in any form!

Reply to Sender

Chapter One: Gay Pirates

From: S. Holmes

To: Fat Lazy Sack

Time: 9:40 A.M.

Stop it. –SH

* * *

><p>From: M. Holmes<p>

To: My Five-Year-Old Brother

Time: 9:40 A.M.

Pardon? –MH

* * *

><p>From: S. Holmes<p>

To: Fat Lazy Sack

Time: 9:41 A.M.

You know what I mean. Stop it. –SH

* * *

><p>From: M. Holmes<p>

To: My Five-Year-Old Brother

Time: 9:43 A.M.

I have no idea what you're talking about. You shouldn't be texting during school hours. Student Handbook, page thirty-seven, fourth bullet point. –MH

* * *

><p>From: S. Holmes<p>

To: Fat Lazy Sack

Time: 9:43 A.M.

Or what? You'll confiscate my mobile? –SH

* * *

><p>From: I. Adler<p>

To: Older Brother With A D/S Kink

Time: 9:49 A.M.

You fat oaf, you actually took it. Good thing I nicked Irene's during passing. –SH

* * *

><p>From: M. Holmes<p>

To: Sherlock's Lesbian That He Likes To Use To Pretend He Isn't Attracted To Penis

Time: 9:51 A.M.

Dear, dear. You're a terrible boyfriend. And you know what I've told you about my opinions on your beard. –MH

* * *

><p>From: I. Adler<p>

To: Older Brother With A D/S Kink

Time: 9:52 A.M.

What? I shaved this morning. –SH

* * *

><p>From: M. Holmes<p>

To: Sherlock's Lesbian That He Likes To Use To Pretend He Isn't Attracted To Penis

Time: 9:52 A.M.

I'm aware. –MH

* * *

><p>From: I. Adler<p>

To: Older Brother With A D/S Kink

Time: 9:54 A.M.

…Oh, Ha ha. You're so very funny. If I was attracted to men, why would I snog Irene in front of the vice principal? Besides to shame you, of course. Speaking of shame, how's the diet? -SH

* * *

><p>From: M. Holmes<p>

To: Sherlock's Lesbian That He Likes To Use To Pretend He Isn't Attracted To Penis

Time: 9:56 A.M.

…Hm. I should ask Anderson to read an excerpt from his book again. It's been a long three minutes since we've been graced by his voice. –MH

* * *

><p>From: I. Adler<p>

To: Older Brother With A D/S Kink

Time: 9:59 A.M.

MYCROFT, I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL KILL YOU IN SUCH A CREATIVE WAY THAT YOU'LL BE DISMEMEBERED AND IT WILL STILL LOOK LIKE A SUICIDE.

* * *

><p>From: M. Holmes<p>

To: Sherlock's Lesbian That He Likes To Use To Pretend He Isn't Attracted To Penis

Time: 10:01 A.M.

Oh, dear! The last text had no name signed at the end! How on earth will I know who it's from? –MH

* * *

><p>From: I. Adler<p>

To: Older Brother With A D/S Kink

Time: 10:03 A.M.

You think you're so very clever, calling on Anderson every time there's an answer he doesn't know just to annoy me. It's petty and childish. I hate you forever and I'm telling Mummy. –SH

* * *

><p>From: M. Holmes<p>

To: Sherlock's Lesbian That He Likes To Use To Pretend He Isn't Attracted To Penis

Time: 10:08 A.M.

I noticed you hate me. You didn't do a very good job hiding it when your principal came in and said 'Mister Mycroft Holmes will be taking over as your substitute for the year while Miss Doyle is out on maternity leave' and you decided to calmly and maturely hurl a world globe through the classroom window. –MH

* * *

><p>From: I. Adler<p>

To: Older Brother With A D/S Kink

Time: 10:09 A.M.

That's because I know you did it just to keep an eye on me. –SH

* * *

><p>From: M. Holmes<p>

To: Sherlock's Lesbian That He Likes To Use To Pretend He Isn't Attracted To Penis

Time: 10:10 A.M.

You have no proof that I didn't obtain this job by entirely legitimate means. –MH

* * *

><p>From: I. Adler<p>

To: Older Brother With A D/S Kink

Time: 10:11 A.M.

Oh, please, spare me your theatrics. I know you used your connections to slither in here as well. –SH

* * *

><p>From: M. Holmes<p>

To: Sherlock's Lesbian That He Likes To Use To Pretend He Isn't Attracted To Penis

Time: 10:12 A.M.

Oh, of course I did. But that doesn't mean you can prove it, brother mine. –MH

* * *

><p>From: I. Adler<p>

To: Older Brother With A D/S Kink

Time: 10:12 A.M.

Don't call me that. –SH

* * *

><p>From: M. Holmes<p>

To: Sherlock's Lesbian That He Likes To Use To Pretend He Isn't Attracted To Penis

Time: 10:13 A.M.

Then what shall I call you? Widdle 'Lock the Bearded, Scourge of the Seven Seas? –MH

* * *

><p>From: I. Adler<p>

To: Older Brother With A D/S Kink

Time: 10:13 A.M.

You swore never to speak of that again. –SH

* * *

><p>From: M. Holmes<p>

To: Sherlock's Lesbian That He Likes To Use To Pretend He Isn't Attracted To Penis

Time: 10:13 A.M.

Yarrrrgh. –MH

* * *

><p>From: I. Adler<p>

To: Older Brother With A D/S Kink

Time: 10:14 A.M.

Mycroft, you are a pompous ARSE. –SH

* * *

><p>From: I. Adler<p>

To: Older Brother With A D/S Kink

Time: 10:26 A.M.

Wait. Wait just a tick. What was THAT? –SH

* * *

><p>From: M. Holmes<p>

To: Sherlock's Lesbian That He Likes To Use To Pretend He Isn't Attracted To Penis

Time: 10:26 A.M.

Excuse me? I don't know what you're talking about. –MH

* * *

><p>From: I. Adler<p>

To: Older Brother With A D/S Kink

Time: 10:27 A.M.

That college student who just came in. He helps the forensic classes. Lesand? Letrond? –SH

* * *

><p>From: M. Holmes<p>

To: Sherlock's Lesbian That He Likes To Use To Pretend He Isn't Attracted To Penis

Time: 10:28 A.M.

Lestrade? What of him? He came and borrowed a stapler, Sherlock. I wasn't aware you had laid claims on every appliance in the school. –MH

* * *

><p>From: I. Adler<p>

To: Older Brother With A D/S Kink

Time: 10:29 A.M.

When he came in, you nearly dropped your mug of tea. –SH

* * *

><p>From: M. Holmes<p>

To: Sherlock's Lesbian That He Likes To Use To Pretend He Isn't Attracted To Penis

Time: 10:30 A.M.

Oh, please. For once in your life, try to act as smart as you pretend to be. –MH

* * *

><p>From: I. Adler<p>

To: Older Brother With A D/S Kink

Time: 10:33 A.M.

Your eyelids flickered for a moment, your mug tilted nine degrees, your grip on the handle flexed convulsively, and your nose did that little twitch it does when you force back a blush. For a Holmes, Mycroft, that's as good as stripping down naked and proclaiming intentions with a ring box. –SH

* * *

><p>From: M. Holmes<p>

To: Sherlock's Lesbian That He Likes To Use To Pretend He Isn't Attracted To Penis

Time: 10:36 A.M.

Don't overreact. It's not like I've never been attracted to someone before. I'll either ignore it, or seduce him and have sex with him in the janitor's closet. Either way, bodily function addressed. I refuse to further discuss. The matter is closed. –MH

* * *

><p>From: I. Adler<p>

To: Older Brother With A D/S Kink

Time: 10:38 A.M.

But that's not it. You… the way you looked at him. You haven't spoken to him before, but it was… soft. Your face looked soft. I don't like it. Go back to being obnoxious. –SH

* * *

><p>From: M. Holmes<p>

To: Sherlock's Lesbian That He Likes To Use To Pretend He Isn't Attracted To Penis

Time: 10:39 A.M.

Oh, you simple boy. You just can't handle feelings, can you? –MH

* * *

><p>From: I. Adler<p>

To: Older Brother With A D/S Kink

Time: 10:40 A.M.

I have a girlfriend, Mycroft. –SH

* * *

><p>From: M. Holmes<p>

To: Sherlock's Lesbian That He Likes To Use To Pretend He Isn't Attracted To Penis

Time: 10:40 A.M.

Who is self-professedly only attracted to women. –MH

* * *

><p>From: I. Adler<p>

To: Older Brother With A D/S Kink

Time: 10:42 A.M.

So what? We kiss when we feel like and don't when we don't. So what more is there? What's the point of a relationship beyond tolerating another person? It's rather pointless. –SH

* * *

><p>From: M. Holmes<p>

To: Sherlock's Lesbian That He Likes To Use To Pretend He Isn't Attracted To Penis

Time: 10:43 A.M.

You should really listen to yourself, sometimes. –MH

* * *

><p>From: I. Adler<p>

To: Older Brother With A D/S Kink

Time: 10:44 A.M.

Who else would I listen to? Everyone else is so boring. –SH

* * *

><p>From: M. Holmes<p>

To: Sherlock's Lesbian That He Likes To Use To Pretend He Isn't Attracted To Penis

Time: 10:45 A.M.

Mate, ye need to get yerself a saucy lad in yer Captain's quarters. –MH

* * *

><p>From: I. Adler<p>

To: Older Brother With A D/S Kink

Time: 10:45 A.M.

I can't believe you just gave me a detention. –SH

* * *

><p>From: M. Holmes<p>

To: Sherlock's Lesbian That He Likes To Use To Pretend He Isn't Attracted To Penis

Time: 10:46 A.M.

I can't believe you just took out a knife and stabbed it into your desk because I made innuendos in pirate-speak. –MH

* * *

><p>From: I. Adler<p>

To: Older Brother With A D/S Kink

Time: 10:48 A.M.

I would have knocked over the desk, but the knife had the added benefit of terrifying Anderson. I hope you realize there's no way I'm going to sit in a room after school with you for a half-hour without vomiting. –SH

* * *

><p>From: M. Holmes<p>

To: Sherlock's Lesbian That He Likes To Use To Pretend He Isn't Attracted To Penis

Time: 10:49 A.M.

Believe me when I say this will be less than enjoyable for me. I have to deal with my spoiled little brother and an ex-delinquent on my own. –MH

* * *

><p>From: I. Adler<p>

To: Older Brother With A D/S Kink

Time: 10:51 A.M.

A ex-delinquent? Boring, and yet… what kind of high-school student would be enough to unsettle someone worming their way into governmental power? –SH

* * *

><p>From: M. Holmes<p>

To: Sherlock's Lesbian That He Likes To Use To Pretend He Isn't Attracted To Penis

Time: 10:52 A.M.

Have you _never_ heard of John Watson? –MH


	2. Stars and Satellites Spinning 'Round

Howdy! I'm glad so many people seem to like Chapter One, so I brought up chapter two for you. IF YOU HAVE AN OPINION ON MORIARTY (Want him paired? Want him single? Want him in the story at all?), THEN VOTE ON THE POLL ON MY PROFILE. Much thanks! He may appear in chapter four, if all pans out accordingly. Also, by the by, the beginning is supposed to be handwriting on passed notes. Anyway, on with the show! I still don't own Sherlock, and all deductions (poorly made) in this chapter are my own.

Reply to Sender

Chapter Two: Stars and Satellites Spinning 'Round

_Well?_

…**Um, well what?**

_I'm waiting._

…**Did I miss something? What's supposed to be happening?**

_You. You're supposed to be happening._

**Oh, God, you're another one of those, aren't you?**

_Excuse me? I'm not 'another one' of anything._

**Yeah, well, we're all special snowflakes, aren't we? Look, can you all just leave me alone? I'm tired of people asking for some sort of performance from me.**

…_Ah._

…'**Ah'? What's 'ah'? Like 'ah' or like 'aaaah'?**

_Does it make some sort of sense for you to classify the emphasis of the 'ah'? Clarifying how it would be spoken is redundant anyway, since we're writing, not speaking._

**Oh, you're a touch arrogant, aren't you? That's a lovely self-righteous sneer you've got on. You look like you bit down into an onion.**

_And you're an uncultured Neanderthal who has the I.Q. of a bowl of oatmeal. I thought we were on the topic of 'ah's._

**Fine. I'll bite. 'Ah' is more like polite acquiescence or acknowledgement. 'Aaaah' is understanding. Like I've just clarified something.**

_Then it's the second._

**Then, pray tell, what have I just clarified?**

_People ask you to demonstrate your delinquency often. But you're adverse to it. It could be that you've made yourself a loner and don't like to be bothered, but more likely it has to do with your military father, killed in action, who you feel like you're disappointing. You meant to go into the army like him, but you feel as though you've squandered it on a less than honest lifestyle. You've no real friends, being an army brat and a delinquent, but your brother seems to like you enough—unfortunately, less than he likes the bottle. If you're too obtuse to understand that, I'm referencing his alcoholism. You like him too, when he's not drunk or ignoring his girlfriend, who I believe you once slept with and have some sort of foolish affection for. He saw the same therapist you see, on your mother's wishes, of course. She thinks your limp is psychosomatic—when you were caught in the cross-fire of a gang war, you were shot in the shoulder—and she's right, but you're also right in thinking she's a quack. She's a weepy consoling sort, and you dislike being consoled. And just to round it off, you dreamed of being a doctor when you grew up._

_Child's play._

…**Oh my god. How could you possibly…? How did you? Just… how?**

_Most things are simple if you just take a minute to look at them. There's a slight bulge under your shirt, the exact size of a military dogtag. Obviously it isn't yours, and you seem too practical to buy a fake. Even if you had, you'd show it off, not keep it under your shirt. No, this is something private, obviously belonging to a family member. When I distressed you, your fingers went to it, so you use it as some sort of reassuring talisman. It wouldn't have that much value if you could just talk to the person, ergo, they are no longer alive. Supporting that, there is only the outline of one tag under your shirt, and if the other was directly behind it, they would clink together when you leaned forward. One under your shirt, and one marking the body of your father._

_Yes, your father. Everyone's heard the stories of the famous John Watson, moving around in short bursts and creating a reputation every place he went. No parent would move their child so frequently unless they had a job that required it, so you moved to go with him. How do I know it wasn't your mother? For the simple fact that you hold your bearing military and keep your chin level when talking to a teacher. Few little boys have their mothers as their heroes, gender biases being what they are, and it takes years to ingrain that behavior into one's psyche to the point when it becomes instinctual. Also, you're more comfortable talking to female teachers than males, meaning you're used to interacting with motherly figures rather than with fatherly ones. Your behavior indicates you wanted to join the army like him, but if you feared death, you wouldn't be caught in gang wars. No, you're fine with death, but you don't see there being a point. The army probably won't accept a history of extreme civil disobedience, and you know it._

_Take a look at your outfit now, a white undershirt and a black jacket. The undershirt is form-fitting, but the jacket is a bit too big. If you liked all your clothes oversized, then the shirt wouldn't fit either. So the jacket is a hand-me-down, but it's still in style, so it was given to you more recently. Not your father, then, but your brother. It's the kind of jacket one wears when clubbing, and there are the sort of scrapes in the material by the elbows that can only be gotten from twisting a bottle cap off using your arm, a party trick one can only perfect with a lot of practice around bottles. There's several small stains of different liquors near the cuff, which can only be noticed by the damage they did to the suede, but your brother never bothered to clean it. Too drunk or too used to alcohol to care. In this case, both. But you still wear the jacket despite the way you frown when your fingers find the spots. You may not agree with your brother's choices, but you still love him._

_Is that enough for you?_

…**Wow. I'm really not sure what to say. Just… You're brilliant, you know that? A bit mad, but utterly brilliant.**

…_I'm…you think I'm brilliant?_

**With all that stuff you just pulled out of thin air? You're incredible. Absolutely incredible.**

_That's…not usually what people say._

**Well, what do they usually say?**

_Piss off, or some variant of it._

**Then they're missing something. You may have a bit of an ego, but you can sure back it up.**

…_You know, nobody's ever said that before. If you want_

* * *

><p>From: S. Holmes<p>

To: Fat Lazy Sack

Time: 3:15 P.M

You are infuriating. –SH

* * *

><p>From: M. Holmes<p>

To: My Five-Year-Old Brother

Time: 3:16 P.M.

I'm sorry I ruined your fun session of note passing with the future prison inmate, but this is detention, and I am your teacher. –MH

* * *

><p>From: S. Holmes<p>

To: Fat Lazy Sack

Time: 3:18 P.M.

He was...impressed by my deductions. He wasn't repulsed by them. And then you had to swagger over, embarrass me, get him in trouble, and then remind him of my relation to you. As usual, you have ruined everything. –SH

* * *

><p>From: M. Holmes<p>

To: My Five-Year-Old Brother

Time: 3:19 A.M.

Oh, don't be such a child. You always say you're better off alone. –MH

* * *

><p>From: S. Holmes<p>

To: Fat Lazy Sack

Time: 3:20 A.M.

But...But of course I am. Don't think I had forgotten. –SH

* * *

><p><strong>Hey.<strong>

…_Huh? What do you want?_

**Detention's almost over. You hungry?**

_Food is a distraction and merely fuel for my body. I abstain unless I absolutely have to._

**Right, of course. Mr. Supercomputer doesn't need any fuel.**

…_.You smiled when you wrote that. Why did you smile?_

**Because for some reason, it's two parts stupid and two parts amazing, when it really should be all of the former. You're incredible, you know that?**

…_Ah. I… I am, a little bit._

**A bit what?**

_Hungry. I'm a bit hungry._

**Well then. Once this is over, would you like to ditch your prat of a brother and go get some Chinese food? You never finished telling me about how you knew all that stuff.**

_I… Yes._

**Good. Erm, great. I meant great.**

* * *

><p>From: M. Holmes<p>

To: My Five-Year-Old Brother

Time: 3:26 P.M.

You two are blushing like virgin schoolgirls. –MH

* * *

><p>From: S. Holmes<p>

To: Fat Lazy Sack

Time: 3:27 P.M.

Hey, Mycroft? –SH

* * *

><p>From: M. Holmes<p>

To: My Five-Year-Old Brother

Time: 3:27 P.M.

What is it, Sherlock? –MH

* * *

><p>From: S. Holmes<p>

To: Fat Lazy Sack

Time: 3:28 P.M.

Piss off. –SH


	3. Let's Not Talk About Anything Else

Sorry for the updates, but it's been kind-of…hard lately. Emotionally, I mean. I've been a bit… not okay. But I digress. This chapter goes out to Andromeda, who said 'Can I have another chapter please?' and I immediately thought 'Okay' and started plotting it out. MORIARTY WILL APPEAR NEXT CHAPTER, SO IF YOU HAVE A PAIRING PREFERENCE FOR HIM, GET YOUR VOTES IN NOW. Also note that I have no plans to do more IrenexMolly, unless viewer response is OVERWHELMINGLY positive. If Irene even becomes a recurring character, I'm more likely to put her with Sally Donovan. But yeah. Anyway.

Reply to Sender

Chapter Three: Let's Not Talk About Anything Else (But Love)

From: I. Adler

To: Closeted Man-Slave

Time: 1:00 P.M.

You've been a very naughty boy, haven't you?

* * *

><p>From: S. Holmes<p>

To: Infernal Woman

Time: 1:00 P.M.

Huh? –SH

* * *

><p>From: I. Adler<p>

To: Closeted Man-Slave

Time: 1:01 P.M.

I thought we were dating. I thought you loved me alone. Oh, how my heart aches. I swoon.

* * *

><p>From: S. Holmes<p>

To: Infernal Woman

Time: 1:02 P.M.

And you and Molly Hooper were snogging in the locker room because you're so very committed to me? –SH

* * *

><p>From: I. Adler<p>

To: Closeted Man-Slave

Time: 1:02 P.M.

No, it was practice. I have to keep in top shape.

* * *

><p>From: S. Holmes<p>

To: Infernal Woman

Time: 1:03 P.M.

She's straight. –SH

* * *

><p>From: I. Adler<p>

To: Closeted Man-Slave

Time: 1:03 P.M.

Not anymore.

* * *

><p>From: S. Holmes<p>

To: Infernal Woman

Time: 1:03 P.M.

How very likeable you are. –SH

* * *

><p>From: I. Adler<p>

To: Closeted Man-Slave

Time: 1:05 P.M.

Oh, dear me. Sociopathic Sherlock Holmes the Desk-Stabber finds me morally reprehensible. I'm going to cry my mascara off.

* * *

><p>From: S. Holmes<p>

To: Infernal Woman

Time: 1:06 P.M.

How does gossip travel in this school? Do you really have nothing better to waste your few reserves of brain power on? –SH

* * *

><p>From: I. Adler<p>

To: Closeted Man-Slave

Time: 1:07 P.M.

Oh, hurtful, 'Lock the Bearded. And I thought I was your dear wench.

* * *

><p>From: S. Holmes<p>

To: Infernal Woman

Time: 1:07 P.M.

…Moriarty. –SH

* * *

><p>From: I. Adler<p>

To: Closeted Man-Slave

Time: 1:07 P.M.

What of him?

* * *

><p>From: S. Holmes<p>

To: Infernal Woman

Time: 1:10 P.M.

He somehow got ahold of Mycroft's smartphone, read his texts, and decided to focus on harassing me instead of changing his grades or blackmailing government officials. And of course he would get my own personal tormenter in on it. How quaint. –SH

* * *

><p>From: I. Adler<p>

To: Closeted Man-Slave

Time: 1:10 P.M.

Xoxo.

* * *

><p>From: S. Holmes<p>

To: Infernal Woman

Time: 1:11 P.M.

That isn't a word. –SH

* * *

><p>From: I. Adler<p>

To: Closeted Man-Slave

Time: 1:12 P.M.

…Clearly, sweetie. I'm in Honors classes, I think I can spell. They're hugs and kisses.

* * *

><p>From: S. Holmes<p>

To: Infernal Woman

Time: 1:13 P.M.

Take them back. I don't want them. –SH

* * *

><p>From: I. Adler<p>

To: Closeted Man-Slave

Time: 1:14 P.M.

How sad for you. How about I beat you with my riding crop instead.

* * *

><p>From: S. Holmes<p>

To: Infernal Woman

Time: 1:14 P.M.

Pass. I don't know where that's been. –SH

* * *

><p>From: I. Adler<p>

To: Closeted Man-Slave

Time: 1:15 P.M.

The Country Club. And up several arses.

* * *

><p>From: S. Holmes<p>

To: Infernal Woman

Time: 1:15 P.M.

More than I needed to know. –SH

* * *

><p>From: I. Adler<p>

To: Closeted Man-Slave

Time: 1:16 P.M.

Virgin.

* * *

><p>From: S. Holmes<p>

To: Infernal Woman

Time: 1:16 P.M.

Harpy. –SH

* * *

><p>From: I. Adler<p>

To: Closeted Man-Slave

Time: 1:16 P.M.

Cheater.

* * *

><p>From: S. Holmes<p>

To: Infernal Woman

Time: 1:17 P.M.

You're one to talk. And John and I are… friends. We aren't dating. –SH

* * *

><p>From: I. Adler<p>

To: Closeted Man-Slave

Time: 1:17 P.M.

Ha.

* * *

><p>From: S. Holmes<p>

To: Infernal Woman

Time: 1:18 P.M.

We aren't. –SH

* * *

><p>From: I. Adler<p>

To: Closeted Man-Slave

Time: 1:19 P.M.

You're so cute when you're being daft.

* * *

><p>From: S. Holmes<p>

To: Infernal Woman

Time: 1:19 P.M.

We aren't DATING. –SH

* * *

><p>From: I. Adler<p>

To: Closeted Man-Slave

Time: 1:20 P.M.

You've known him for a week.

* * *

><p>From: S. Holmes<p>

To: Infernal Woman

Time: 1:20 P.M.

So? I've known you for a year. –SH

* * *

><p>From: I. Adler<p>

To: Closeted Man-Slave

Time: 1:21 P.M.

And how many times have you eaten lunch for me?

* * *

><p>From: S. Holmes<p>

To: Infernal Woman

Time: 1:21 P.M.

I ate lunch for you once. –SH

* * *

><p>From: I. Adler<p>

To: Closeted Man-Slave

Time: 1:24 P.M.

Because my mother had died, my dog was hit by a car, I had a pregnancy scare, and I was holding a cafeteria knife to the side of your neck. And even then you only ate because Mycroft said that he knew you wouldn't and that he'd won.

* * *

><p>From: S. Holmes<p>

To: Infernal Woman

Time: 1:25 P.M.

Well, what did you want me to do? I couldn't let him win. –SH

* * *

><p>From: I. Adler<p>

To: Closeted Man-Slave

Time: 1:25 P.M.

Not the point.

* * *

><p>From: S. Holmes<p>

To: Infernal Woman

Time: 1:26 P.M.

Then what is the point? –SH

* * *

><p>From: I. Adler<p>

To: Closeted Man-Slave

Time: 1:28 P.M.

The point is that John tips his head up at you, bats his baby blues, pouts his lips that way he does, and you fall all over yourself trying to eat a banana for him. Double-entendre intended.

* * *

><p>From: S. Holmes<p>

To: Infernal Woman

Time: 1:29 P.M.

John's eyes are not blue. They are hazel, like cinnamon and tea leaves. –SH

* * *

><p>From: I. Adler<p>

To: Closeted Man-Slave

Time: 1:30 P.M.

…Oh dear lord.

* * *

><p>From: S. Holmes<p>

To: Infernal Woman

Time: 1:30 P.M.

What? –SH

* * *

><p>From: I. Adler<p>

To: Closeted Man-Slave

Time: 1:32 P.M.

You have to be kidding me, because nobody is this oblivious on purpose. We're going to break this down for you, okay?

* * *

><p>From: S. Holmes<p>

To: Infernal Woman

Time: 1:33 P.M.

I don't need anything broken down for me. Don't treat me like a toddler. –SH

* * *

><p>From: I. Adler<p>

To: Closeted Man-Slave

Time: 1:34 P.M.

Of course not. Now, number one. Now remember, love, that's the one that looks like a big stick standing straight up.

* * *

><p>From: S. Holmes<p>

To: Infernal Woman

Time: 1:34 P.M.

I loathe you. –SH

* * *

><p>From: I. Adler<p>

To: Closeted Man-Slave

Time: 1:35 P.M.

You can do this. The number one. Just like a stick. Or a big penis. You can't miss it.

* * *

><p>From: S. Holmes<p>

To: Infernal Woman

Time: 1:35 P.M.

You don't even like those. –SH

* * *

><p>From: I. Adler<p>

To: Closeted Man-Slave

Time: 1:37 P.M.

Really? I thought the term 'Lesbian' meant Cock Addict. Hm. Guess I was wrong then. Number one: You know the color of his eyes.

* * *

><p>From: S. Holmes<p>

To: Infernal Woman

Time: 1:38 P.M.

That doesn't mean anything. –SH

* * *

><p>From: I. Adler<p>

To: Closeted Man-Slave

Time: 1:38 P.M.

Oh, really? What color are my eyes?

* * *

><p>From: S. Holmes<p>

To: Infernal Woman

Time: 1:39 P.M.

Statistically speaking, brown is most likely. –SH

* * *

><p>From: I. Adler<p>

To: Closeted Man-Slave

Time: 1:39 P.M.

They're blue, Sherlock.

* * *

><p>From: S. Holmes<p>

To: Infernal Woman

Time: 1:40 P.M.

Well, that's unlikely, as your mother had brown eyes. –SH

* * *

><p>From: I. Adler<p>

To: Closeted Man-Slave

Time: 1:40 P.M.

My mother had blue eyes, Sherlock.

* * *

><p>From: S. Holmes<p>

To: Infernal Woman

Time: 1:41 P.M.

...No she didn't. –SH

* * *

><p>From: I. Adler<p>

To: Closeted Man-Slave

Time: 1:41 P.M.

This is a great six-month anniversary present. You can't even remember my eye color.

* * *

><p>From: S. Holmes<p>

To: Infernal Woman

Time: 1:42 P.M.

It's our six-month anniversary? –SH

* * *

><p>From: I. Adler<p>

To: Closeted Man-Slave

Time: 1:42 P.M.

Yes. Happy anniversary.

* * *

><p>From: S. Holmes<p>

To: Infernal Woman

Time: 1:42 P.M.

Oh. …What did you get me? –SH

* * *

><p>From: I. Adler<p>

To: Closeted Man-Slave

Time: 1:43 P.M.

I got to second base with Molly Hooper on top of your private work table in the chemistry lab.

* * *

><p>From: S. Holmes<p>

To: Infernal Woman

Time: 1:44 P.M.

…That's not a very good present. –SH

* * *

><p>From: I. Adler<p>

To: Closeted Man-Slave

Time: 1:44 P.M.

I thought it was one. Number two: You actively seek him out.

* * *

><p>From: S. Holmes<p>

To: Infernal Woman

Time: 1:45 P.M.

What on earth does that mean? I seek out Anderson. –SH

* * *

><p>From: I. Adler<p>

To: Closeted Man-Slave

Time: 1:48 P.M.

Yes, but you seek out Anderson with a pair of sharp scissors when you want to violently cut the tag off the shirts he's wearing and whisper, 'Soon.' You don't seek out John Watson with scissors. You gave him your handkerchief once, for God's sake.

* * *

><p>From: S. Holmes<p>

To: Infernal Woman

Time: 1:48 P.M.

He has allergies. –SH

* * *

><p>From: I. Adler<p>

To: Closeted Man-Slave

Time: 1:51 P.M.

Sherlock, do you remember the time I beat up those girls whose boyfriends I had a four-way with? And the one with the frizzy split-ends stabbed me in the arm with her knife before I punched her unconscious? Remember what you said when I asked for something to hold over the cut to stop the bleeding?

* * *

><p>From: S. Holmes<p>

To: Infernal Woman

Time: 1:52 P.M.

Why would I want your blood on my handkerchief? Revolting. –SH

* * *

><p>From: I. Adler<p>

To: Closeted Man-Slave

Time: 1:52 P.M.

Yet you allowed John Watson to get mucus all over it?

* * *

><p>From: S. Holmes<p>

To: Infernal Woman

Time: 1:52 P.M.

It's different. –SH

* * *

><p>From: I. Adler<p>

To: Closeted Man-Slave

Time: 1:53 P.M.

How so?

* * *

><p>From: S. Holmes<p>

To: Infernal Woman

Time: 1:53 P.M.

It's… sort-of cute. –SH

* * *

><p>From: I. Adler<p>

To: Closeted Man-Slave

Time: 1:53 P.M.

…His snot.

* * *

><p>From: S. Holmes<p>

To: Infernal Woman

Time: 1:54 P.M.

Well, yes. But I was referring to how he blows his nose. –SH

* * *

><p>From: I. Adler<p>

To: Closeted Man-Slave

Time: 1:56 P.M.

Wow. I don't know what's more disturbing. The fact that you find his nose residue adorable or that you find his elephant-nose-blow charming.

* * *

><p>From: S. Holmes<p>

To: Infernal Woman

Time: 1:56 P.M.

I like elephants. –SH

* * *

><p>From: I. Adler<p>

To: Closeted Man-Slave

Time: 1:56 P.M.

No you don't. You hate elephants.

* * *

><p>From: S. Holmes<p>

To: Infernal Woman

Time: 1:56 P.M.

Since when? –SH

* * *

><p>From: I. Adler<p>

To: Closeted Man-Slave

Time: 1:58 P.M.

Since a month ago, when you refused to take my elderly grandmother to the zoo with me because you hated the elephants.

* * *

><p>From: S. Holmes<p>

To: Infernal Woman

Time: 1:58 P.M.

You just wanted to get into her will. –SH

* * *

><p>From: I. Adler<p>

To: Closeted Man-Slave

Time: 2:00 P.M.

And it would have been easier if you just came and let her feel you up a bit. She was basically a vegetable anyway, it's not like she could give you a blow job.

* * *

><p>From: S. Holmes<p>

To: Infernal Woman

Time: 2:01 P.M.

I fail to see the point in any of this. –SH

* * *

><p>From: I. Adler<p>

To: Closeted Man-Slave

Time: 2:02 P.M.

I know. Ready for the big reveal? Go read our texts. All of them. From the beginning of this conversation.

* * *

><p>From: S. Holmes<p>

To: Infernal Woman

Time: 2:07 P.M.

…Oh god. –SH

* * *

><p>From: I. Adler<p>

To: Closeted Man-Slave

Time: 2:07 P.M.

Mmhm.

* * *

><p>From: S. Holmes<p>

To: Infernal Woman

Time: 2:07 P.M.

Oh my god. –SH

* * *

><p>From: I. Adler<p>

To: Closeted Man-Slave

Time: 2:07 P.M.

Mm-HM.

* * *

><p>From: S. Holmes<p>

To: Infernal Woman

Time: 2:08 P.M.

Stab it. –SH

* * *

><p>From: I. Adler<p>

To: Closeted Man-Slave

Time: 2:08 P.M.

Stab what?

* * *

><p>From: S. Holmes<p>

To: Infernal Woman

Time: 2:09 P.M.

My heart, my brain, my crotch, I don't know. Whichever one is making me feel this. –SH

* * *

><p>From: I. Adler<p>

To: Closeted Man-Slave

Time: 2:10 P.M.

Aaw, you're having a panic attack. How precious. I should tell your brother, so he can record it for posterity.

* * *

><p>From: S. Holmes<p>

To: Infernal Woman

Time: 2:11 P.M.

I don't—I can't be—infatuated with him. I don't do that. Infatuation is for childish idiots. Oh god… -SH

* * *

><p>From: I. Adler<p>

To: Closeted Man-Slave

Time: 2:11 P.M.

Handsome John Watson.

* * *

><p>From: S. Holmes<p>

To: Infernal Woman

Time: 2:11 P.M.

Stop. –SH

* * *

><p>From: I. Adler<p>

To: Closeted Man-Slave

Time: 2:12 P.M.

John Watson-Holmes.

* * *

><p>From: S. Holmes<p>

To: Infernal Woman

Time: 2:12 P.M.

Wh—Stop it! –SH

* * *

><p>From: I. Adler<p>

To: Closeted Man-Slave

Time: 2:12 P.M.

John H. Holmes.

* * *

><p>From: S. Holmes<p>

To: Infernal Woman

Time: 2:12 P.M.

Stop! –SH

* * *

><p>From: I. Adler<p>

To: Closeted Man-Slave

Time: 2:13 P.M.

Sherlock Watson.

* * *

><p>From: S. Holmes<p>

To: Infernal Woman

Time: 2:13 P.M.

IRENE! –SH

* * *

><p>From: I. Adler<p>

To: Closeted Man-Slave

Time: 2:13 P.M.

Mr. and Mr. John Holmes.

* * *

><p>From: S. Holmes<p>

To: Infernal Woman

Time: 2:14 P.M.

WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO? –SH

* * *

><p>From: I. Adler<p>

To: Closeted Man-Slave

Time: 2:14 P.M.

Do?

* * *

><p>From: S. Holmes<p>

To: Infernal Woman

Time: 2:14 P.M.

ABOUT THIS? –SH

* * *

><p>From: I. Adler<p>

To: Closeted Man-Slave

Time: 2:14 P.M.

About what?

* * *

><p>From: S. Holmes<p>

To: Infernal Woman

Time: 2:15 P.M.

John! About… me! Feelings! This! –SH

* * *

><p>From: I. Adler<p>

To: Closeted Man-Slave

Time: 2:16 P.M.

Take him on Mycroft's desk and have your filthy way with him. Oh, he'd struggle at first, but soon…

* * *

><p>From: S. Holmes<p>

To: Infernal Woman

Time: 2:18 P.M.

…Oh god. –SH

* * *

><p>From: I. Adler<p>

To: Closeted Man-Slave

Time: 2:18 P.M.

What now?

* * *

><p>From: S. Holmes<p>

To: Infernal Woman

Time: 2:18 P.M.

I have a… –SH

* * *

><p>From: I. Adler<p>

To: Closeted Man-Slave

Time: 2:18 P.M.

…You can't be serious.

* * *

><p>From: S. Holmes<p>

To: Infernal Woman

Time: 2:19 P.M.

I... –SH

* * *

><p>From: I. Adler<p>

To: Closeted Man-Slave

Time: 2:19 P.M.

Where are you right now?

* * *

><p>From: S. Holmes<p>

To: Infernal Woman

Time: 2:20 P.M.

P.E. –SH

* * *

><p>From: I. Adler<p>

To: Closeted Man-Slave

Time: 2:20 P.M.

…So you're in gym shorts.

* * *

><p>From: S. Holmes<p>

To: Infernal Woman

Time: 2:20 P.M.

Yes. –SH

* * *

><p>From: I. Adler<p>

To: Closeted Man-Slave

Time: 2:21 P.M.

With a massive hard-on.

* * *

><p>From: S. Holmes<p>

To: Infernal Woman

Time: 2:21 P.M.

Y-yes. –SH

* * *

><p>From: I. Adler<p>

To: Closeted Man-Slave

Time: 2:22 P.M.

…HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

* * *

><p>From: S. Holmes<p>

To: Infernal Woman

Time: 2:23 P.M.

…Consider yourself single. –SH


End file.
